Friday, 8 July 2011

The Cable Remuneration Assistance Program

Why not add access to cable television to the
United Nations Universal Declaration of Human
Rights? Photo by Winnond.
I was going to blog this week complaining about the ridiculous amount of coverage the CBC is giving to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s tour of Canada, but I realized that doing so would be a little hypocritical. I can’t wait until they’re gone. Instead, I’ll share a slightly humourous, but mostly sad and pathetic personal anecdote.

The other day I was walking down the street, and I passed the local welfare office. There were a couple of seedy looking characters* sitting in front of the office having a smoke; a guy and a girl, who looked to be in their early twenties. That’s not the funny part. The funny part is the snippet of a conversation that I heard them having. It went like this:

Seedy Girl: So, who cares if you don’t have hot water? At least you have cable. I don’t have cable. I’d rather have cable than hot water.

Seedy Guy**: True dat.

So it looks like this guy is using his welfare money to pay his cable bill, but not his water bill. You know, I’m always trying to tell people how important the welfare system is, but they’re always saying, “Things like hot water and food aren’t essential parts of life, Dean”. How their tune would change if they only knew that without his welfare cheque, my friend, the seedy guy, would have missed last week’s episode of Glee. Oh, the horror!

I propose that a new government agency be created to ensure that all Canadians have access to digital cable, so that no one will have to choose between hot water and Hot in Cleveland, food and the Food Network or paying their rent and watching Rent on pay per view. The new bureau could be called the Cable Remuneration Assistance Program, or CRAP for short.

*Not that everyone who collects welfare is seedy. There are also many seedy people who don’t collect welfare.

**He was wearing no shirt, and his visible underwear to pant ratio was about 1:1.

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